Dance With My Father Again

If I could get another chance

Another walk, another dance with him

I’d play a song that would never, ever end

How I’d love, love, love to dance with my father again

***

            It was my seventeenth birthday, on November 4 2010, three years ago. I woke up at 5.00 a.m sharp. There was no something special happened, just as usual. Even I hoped there is something happened to me. But, unfortunately, I just dreamt. So, I kept doing all my activities as I’ve done every day. Then, I got up from my bed and started to face my day. Smiled and kept cheerful, I wished the day will be my day, best day ever after.

            My mom just smiled when she saw me. She tried to joke with me. Her expression made me laughing, because it was really funny to see her. I moved closer to her in the kitchen. She’d been cooking for our breakfast that time. She opened her arms widely, and I closed up my body in her hug. And, she kissed my hair, and whispered smoothly in my ear, “A very happy birthday, darl.” There was no special phrase actually. That utterance was so usual, wasn’t it? However, if you know, it was a great congratulation. I was not care about the words, but I was only care with her love. Because I know, she did not need to give me a great gift, and I did not need a gift from her too. We just need to love each other. And I was grateful on my day, I still got it. After that, she asked me to be hurry. So, I took bath directly and breakfast.

***

            Different with my mom, my dad decided to keep silent in front of me. He did not say anything. Did he forget today? Did he forget my birthday? He said no much. And it worked to make me annoyed. How can he did not say Happy Birthday to me? Until he ushered me to school, he did not say even a special word. I won’t talk with you, dad.. I said to myself when he walked away. Oh, today will pass bored, I think. So, I really was not care, even did not wish something special happened with me next. My dad had given a signal if there was no celebration.

***

            I went home so limp. Activities, test, and homework during at school made me saturated. I need refreshing, and I decided to take a nap when arrived home. After lunch, I directly got in my room. How surprised I am that time, when I looked inside. There were a lot of balloons hanging on the ceiling with the ribbon dangled down. I counted the number of balloons. There were one..two..three..four.. a hundred balloons fulfilled my ceiling. Colorful! And when I looked into my bed, there were a bucket of white roses and a teddy bear. A huge teddy bear! I walked closer to my bed, took the flowers and bear. I wanna scream, really! Who is that make this? Asked to myself. And when I turned around, I saw my dad stood there and bringing a birthday cake. I closed my mouth and tears began to stream down my face. He smiled and singing a birthday song.

            When he reached my place, I could see there was a utterance on the cake, Happy birthday my little dearest angle. I could not hold the tears anymore, so I cried and hugged him directly. He caressed my hair, and said, “Happy seventeen actually.. oh look! How mature you are now! But, you will always be my little angle.” He released his hug and wiped the tears.

            “And you will always be my superman!” I replied. He laughed to hear that.

            “Am I like superman?” He asked, trying to joke with me.

            “Yup!”

            “Really? Let me check whether I have a wings and wear underwear outside?” He reflected in my mirror. “I think, I am batman, dear.” He said again.

            “Batman?” I asked

            “Yeah! Because I have this!” He took my prom night mask.

            “Hahahaaa… you are so funny, dad!”

            “Have you just known?” He kept trying to joke. And I ran into his hug again. He hugged me tightly. Then I whispered, “God, don’t let this moment fleeting.” And he said, “Amen.”   

***

Back when I was a child

Before life removed all the innocence

My father would lift me high

And dance with my mother and me and then

            It has almost been three years since he was gone. I can still remember him when he ushered me to school, cooked me my favorite dishes, talked with me about nature, about life, about him, about me, about love, about us. Also, I can still smell his perfume and hear his voice. I’ve missed him as much as his love. I’ve missed the way he looked at me. I’ve missed the moment we spared time to enjoy and drink a cup of cappuccino on terrace. And I’ve missed when he held my hands. However, all of those things already pass. They are just memories this time.

            It is almost three years since he gone. I can still remember the day he left, on May 25 2011. God called him at 05.30 p.m. And he was gone forever. Today is my twentieth birthday, on November 4 2013. It means 550 days since he was gone. I can still imagine how we—me and my mom—had to release him forever. It has been hard for us. I’ve looked how my mom really loss him and beaten. The first three months, I looked how often she was crying in her room.

Sometimes I’d listen outside her door

And I’d hear how my mama crying for him

I pray for her even more than me

I pray for her even more than me

            It is almost three years since he was gone. My love is never fade for him…

Spin me around till I fell asleep

Then up the stairs he would carry me

And I knew for sure

I was loved

            It is almost three years since he was gone. And today I came to his cemetery and bringing a bucket of white roses and birthday cake. I walked closer to him. I put the flower and cake on the cemetery. I prayed for a while, then sang the birthday song, blew the cake’s candles. Alone. There were no you there. And, tears began to stream down on my face. Alone.

If I could steal one final glance

One final step, one final dance with him

I’d play a song that would never, ever end

Cause I’d love, love, love to dance with my father again

-Dedicated to my beloved father, Iskandar Djayadi.

Hope God always loves you, Dad. And I love you for yesterday, today, and forever-